Say It Ain't So!
by Ahja Reyn
Summary: Harry's on a mission to stop Draco from leaving him, taking some of the most drastic measures imaginable to get his point across...contains satire attacking popular HP fandom clichés
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Say It Ain't So!  
**Author**: Reyn  
**Rating**: M cuz I said so.  
**Disclaimer**: Jest cause I play with them doesn't mean I own them.  
**Warnings**: The chapters in this will be ranging from ridiculously short, to just plain short, so if you sign up for email alerts on this story, please try to refrain from getting too excited. Because I, as an author, don't handle the disappointment of my readers very well, especially if they make it known in a nasty review (as in I take the bad review and talk smack about it with my beta, not get depressed and mopey, mind you)  
**Author's Note**: This is my pathetic attempt at a crack fic. However, I'm pretty sure I missed that mark and landed squarely on 'satire', which happens to rest in the darker recesses of my mind. Not much thought has, nor will, go into this story other than the quick 'now what can I base the next chapter on? Mwahahaha.'  
As a result of me shutting my brain off, there may be a teeny-tiny chance of the characters being OOC. If this, or any other content in this story offends you, let me take a moment to apologize now: My bad.

**Chapter One**

The sky was perfectly clear this night, a full moon looming overthe edge of the Forbidden Forest. Eerie shadows were cast as the light of the moon brightened everything in its blood red glow. Somewhere off in the distance, a creature howled. Closer still, the galloping of hooves could be heard.

But he wasn't worried about them. They weren't his prey.

Crouching low on the branch he was perched on, he inched back a few steps, making sure he was completely hidden by the foliage. After all, it wouldn't do well if he were spotted, now, would it?

A soft breeze kicked up a few dead leaves and the gentle tinkling of chimes sounded off. He grinned. It was here.

Legs tensed, ready to spring, he held his breath, listening intently as the tinkling drew nearer, waiting for the exact moment to- _NOW_!

With a slightly muffled, yet triumphant cry, accompanied by an indignant squawk and a flurry of feathers, followed by a thud as he hit the ground, Harry Potter, Savior of the Wizarding World, obtained the goal of his mission: Interception of the Owl Post. Unfortunately, this did not signify the end of said mission, for now he had an extremely pissed off eagle owl attacking him with all of Hell's fury.

Clambering to his feet, Harry dashed off down the hillside towards the school's side entrance over the lake, used mainly on the first night of the school year for the admission of the first year students. It wasn't the safest escape, and it certainly wasn't the nearest, but it was the only one he could use without causing a scene. Plus it was after hours, so he wasn't as likely to get caught if he came bursting in, screaming bloody murder like he was now.

A sharp peck to the head caused him to lose his footing and he tumbled down the rest of the hill, unable to stop himself as he reached the small drop off by the waterside and was launched into the lake by the built up momentum of his fall.

Momentarily dazed by the shock of being completely wet thanks to him now being submerged in a large body of water, as well as the fact that he could no longer breathe, Harry found it rather nice to simply allow himself to float for the meantime. That mangy owl couldn't reach him down here, and he was no longer rolling down a bloody mountain at 100 km/hr.

However, a white rectangle drifting by caught his attention and pulled him away from his blissful thoughts. His eyes widened in recognition. It was the post he stole from the owl! He could NOT lose that letter!

Reaching out to snag it, Harry kicked for the surface, his lungs burning for air. No sooner had he gulped in his first precious breath that he was under attack yet again. Swimming for all he was worth, the Gryffindor made it to the stone docks inside the castle in record time. Talons raked at his head as the owl refused to give up, causing blood to drip down into his left eye.

Blasted owl. He'd hex the damn thing if he didn't need it alive and unharmed.

Reaching into his robes once he was completely on dry land, he pulled out the decoy envelope and tossed it behind him, hoping the bird wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Sure enough, the owl caught the letter, but this only meant its beak could no longer peck. Its talons were still very much free to do additional damage.

Quickly climbing the steps that led him away from the canal, he burst through the door and slammed it shut behind him, smirking at the thud that came soon after, followed by the sound of beating wings and scratching claws as the bird tried to break its way through the door.

Sighing in relief now that he was out of immediate danger, he took the time to look himself over, and noticed that the water dripping off of him was a very dirty red.

Ah, he must be bleeding.

Deciding that the amount of blood that he seemed to be losing might be cause for concern, Harry trudged through the halls towards the Infirmary, unable to stop himself from grinning like an idiot.

Mission accomplished.

_Father, Sirius, Remus…I hope you're proud of me_, Harry thought as the world around him grew fuzzy before fading to black.

**Doodle-eh-doo! Doodle-eh-doo! Doodle-eh-doo! **

"I fell," Harry repeated stubbornly when Madame Pomfrey repeated her question for the fifth time.

"Fell on what? A rampaging hippogriff?" the nurse demanded, cleaning his few remaining cuts with more force than necessary.

"Yes."

"Tch, will you _please_ make up your mind, Mr. Potter?" Pomfrey asked harshly as she drew back and placed her hands on her hips. "First you told me you fell down a flight of stairs, then when I pointed out the leaves stuck in your hair you said you fell out of a tree, then when I pointed out all the dirt stains you said you fell down a mountain, and then when I pointed out the fact that you're soaking wet, you said you decided to fall into the lake, and now I'm pulling feathers from your clothes and you're telling me you fell on a _hippogriff_?"

"That's about right, yeah."

The nurse sighed in defeat. "Mr. Potter, you really are the worst liar…"

"But I _fell_!" Harry insisted.

"Of course you did, dear," Madame Pomfrey said, obviously giving up on trying to find out the truth.

"And I didn't _choose_ to fall in the lake."

"Mhmm."

"Or the hill."

"Of course you didn't."

"I only wanted to fall out of the tree," he explained.

"Naturally."

"And it was a bit smaller than a hippogriff."

At this, Madame Pomfrey snorted. "Oh? Was it a baby hippogriff, then?"

Harry scowled and decided he wasn't going to share anymore information with the nurse.

Waiting until she was gone, the Gryffindor pulled out the hidden envelope and proceeded to rip it open to learn of its contents. Damn. The parchment was soaked straight through. A few words and sentences were smudged here and there, but the handwriting was still definitely familiar.

Quickly scanning through the parts he could make out, Harry's eyes widened as his suspicions were confirmed.

This couldn't be true! There was no way he would allow such a thing to happen! That backstabbing bastard!

Tucking the letter away, Harry slipped out of the hospital bed and headed down to the library. He now had to start making plans for Operation Force the Underestimating, Cocky, Kiss ass Malfoy from EVER Following this Asinine Idea That He had.

Operation F.U.C.K.M.E.F.A.I.T.H. for short.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title**: Say It Ain't So!  
**Author**: Reyn  
**Rating**: M cuz I said so.  
**Disclaimer**: Jest cause I play with them doesn't mean I own them.  
**Warnings**: attack on male pregnancies and the OOCness of the whole world  
**Author's Note**: Will all my updates be this fast? …Probably not. This jest happens to be the chapter that started it all.

**Chapter 2**

"Draco, I'm pregnant!"

Draco Malfoy froze for a moment before looking up at his boyfriend in absolute horror, not bothering to watch the volume of his voice here in the library. "..._WHAT_!"

"I'm pregnant with your child and if you leave me, I'll see to it that this baby gets half of your fortune by the time it's born!" Harry stated angrily, slamming his hands down on the table opposite of the Slytherin

"...What-?"

"And not only that! I'll see to it that the baby gets a new father! One that'll be a million times better than you! Who won't put me down with harsh words or-"

"Potter, what the shit?" Draco hissed, finally regaining his sense of thought after what he believed to be the world's most random outburst. "Have you been inhaling the fumes in Potions again?"

Plopping down in the nearest chair, Harry rested his head in his hands and began to sob helplessly. "Oh Merlin, who am I kidding. I would never be able to do any of that. Don't leave me, Draco. Promise me, please? If not for me, then for the sake of our baby..."

"What the-? Potter, I'm not leav-" Realization dawned on Draco and his eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Is this some sorry attempt to keep me from traveling to Spain for summer holidays? How did you even find out about that trip?"

Harry froze, the pitiful sobbing coming to an abrupt halt before suddenly starting up again. "The baby's due in August! Why! Why would you want to be gone during such a-"

"Potter, stop the act," Draco ordered, shutting the book he had previously been looking through.

"Act! I would never-!"

"Men don't have babies."

Harry blinked, looking up. "...Really?"

"What do you mean 'really!' Where the fuck were you raised!"

"Not...not even in the wizarding world?"

"Wha- _NO_!" Draco cried out in horror.

"It's not...there's not even some...remote procedure to...?"

"What the fuck!" Draco stood and proceeded to storm off as elegantly as possible. "I thought you were friends with Granger! Honestly!"

"Wait, Draco! Where are you going!" Harry called out, not moving from his seat.

"Bangladesh!"

"What? Why!"

"I'm getting this sudden urge to convert to muggle Christianity. DON**'**T follow me."

"...Damn."

Apparently, Draco Malfoy was not much of a family man. Not only that, but he was now onto Harry Potter's secret mission of Operation F.U.C.K.M.E.F.A.I.T.H.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title**: Say It Ain't So!  
**Author**: Reyn  
**Rating**: M cuz I said so.  
**Disclaimer**: Jest cause I play with them doesn't mean I own them.  
**Warnings**: attack on jealous!Draco and the extreme OOCness of the world  
**Author's Note**: It should be a crime how easily these chapters are to come up with.

**Chapter 3**

In a way that was so casual it should be outlawed, Harry Potter slithered up to his boyfriend and began walking alongside him on their way down to Care of Magical Creatures.

"So…how's it going?" Harry asked as if he did so everyday (which, for the record, he did not).

"I'm on my way to the worst class this school possibly offers. How do you think its going?" Draco retorted, casting the Gryffindor a sidelong glance.

"Well, considering it's one of the few classes you share with me…"

"Potter, I hardly see that as a perk these days," Draco said, unable to stop himself from smirking. "Especially after that stunt you pulled last night in the library."

"Speaking of stunts, we hardly ever just talk, you know?" Harry suggested.

"Why talk when there are much better activities we could do with our mouths?" At Harry's pout, Draco relented. "Fine. What do you want to talk about on this oh so fine Day Two of our Golden Boy's Trip to Insanity?"

Harry smiled brightly. "Well, I figured we could use this opportunity to come clean of any secrets we may be hiding from one another."

Draco's stony expression didn't change. "Oh really?"

"Yes. And I think you should start."

"Potter, you already know about my plans for this summer. I'm going to Spain. All summer. Alone," Draco stated. "Now it's your turn. How did you find out about my trip considering that I haven't spoken of it once? You haven't been peeking through my letters, have you?"

"Err…how about I confess something else?" Harry asked, his eyes darting around nervously.

His suggestion was met with an icy stare.

"Samantha Schroeder from Ravenclaw kissed me the other day in hopes of turning me straight so that I would go out with her and... I didn't try to stop her," he said in a rush before wincing, just waiting for the inevitable explosion...

"…And?"

...which didn't come.

"What do you mean '_and?_'" Harry asked incredulously. "I cheated on you and didn't tell you! Aren't you mad? Jealous, even?"

"Do you want me to be?" Draco asked casually as they arrived in front of Hagrid's hut.

"Well, no…not really," Harry admitted. "But only because I heard that Slytherins don't get mad, they get even…And Samantha's a really nice girl when she isn't being so straightforward…Wait a minute. You're not cheating on me, are you?"

"Potter, I've got the world's most famous wizard begging me for sex. What reason could I possibly have for cheating on you?"

"I don't know, maybe something that has to do with you leaving me to go to Spain for the entire holiday?" Harry accused. "Maybe it's the power trip you'll get for knowing that you've got this secret relationship with me while you go off bedding other blokes! Yeah, 'Ooh, I'm Draco Malfoy and I'm the only person in the whole world who knows what Harry Potter tastes like,'" he mocked in a squeaky voice. "Well I've got news for you! Samantha knows as well! And not only that, but she told all her friends. Yeah, that's right! And I know because every time I walk by they all look and giggle at me."

"Is that so?" Draco asked, a bored expression aligning his face.

"Yeah, so what are you going to do about it?" Harry challenged. "You gonna reclaim every inch of my body in some perverted form of sexual torture? Or maybe stay all summer to make sure no one else tries to steal me away?"

"I'm going to get this lesson over with as fast as possible and then go have some lunch," Draco answered simply, moving away to go stand with his friends.

"Y-yeah? Well, I certainly hope you come to regret that decision in the long run of things!" Harry called out as Hermione and Ron moved to join him.

Unfortunately, this phase of Operation F.U.C.K.M.E.F.A.I.T.H. did not take into account that the next day found Samantha Schroeder in the Infirmary with her vocal chords mysteriously missing and permanently replaced with those of a dog's.


	4. Chapter 4

**Title**: Say It Ain't So!  
**Author**: Reyn  
**Rating**: M cuz I said so.  
**Disclaimer**: Jest cause I play with them doesn't mean I own them.  
**Warnings**: attack on sex and the extreme OOCness of the world  
**Author's Note**: My shortest chapter yet. I think I deserve an award.

**Chapter Four**

Harry moaned loudly as he was thrust into again and again, harsh and demanding kisses littering his skin with bruises and blushes as Draco refused to relent his attack.

The Gryffindor had tried the more blatant 'no sex if you leave me' approach.

It's pretty obvious how well that went.

Operation F.U.C.K.M.E.F.A.I.T.H. had now taken on a new meaning.


	5. Chapter 5

**Title**: Say It Ain't So!  
**Author**: Reyn  
**Rating**: M cuz I said so.  
**Disclaimer**: Jest cause I play with them doesn't mean I own them.  
**Warnings**: attack on veela!Draco and the extreme OOCness of the world  
**Author's Note**: I've only got one more chapter ready to be posted whenever I feel like it…which means I need to catch up on this story. Hmm…maybe I should start hitting each holiday. Expect another update around Christmas…maybe.

**Chapter Five**

"I've figured it out!" Harry stated triumphantly.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Potter, for you to have figured it out, you would have to had been paying attention to me in the first place. But I know for a fact that all you've been doing all evening is glaring at my face as I try to tutor you in the simplest of potion ingredients, which, I have unfortunately come to accept, is like trying to teach a troll."

"Exactly!"

"…Pardon?"

"You're not human, are you?" Harry asked a-matter-of-factly.

Draco groaned, rubbing his forehead tiredly. "Not another one of your asinine schemes…"

"I mean, there's no way you could be fully human, because I mean, really now, in what fucked up world would we get together?" Harry explained.

Draco simply raised a brow. "Is our relationship really so farfetched?

"Yes! I should hate you, and yet here you have me begging for you not to leave me over the summer! It makes perfect sense!"

"I know I'm going to fully regret this in about ten seconds, but what makes perfect sense?"

"You! Are a veela," Harry said in all seriousness.

"…Come again?"

"You're a veela, and for some reason, I've fallen for your charm."

Draco sighed and began dumping his belongings into his cauldron. "I'm going to bed."

"Wait, don't you want to hear the rest of my theory?" Harry asked hopefully.

"No."

"But-!"

"Good _night_, Potter."

Hmm…it seemed Operation F.U.C.K.M.E.F.A.I.T.H. was gaining some ground. How so? Because Draco Malfoy didn't deny the claim.


	6. Chapter 6

**Title**: Say It Ain't So!  
**Author**: Reyn  
**Rating**: M cuz I said so.  
**Disclaimer**: Jest cause I play with them doesn't mean I own them.  
**Warnings**: attack on Christmas with the Malfoys and the extreme OOCness of the world  
**Author's Note**: What I should be saying here is already stated in the first line. YaY!

**Chapter 6**

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

"Holy fucking hell!!

Harry lowered his arms in confusion and looked down at his boyfriend, who had scrambled back on to his bed, covers in hand as if ready to dive under them.

"What, aren't you glad to see me?" the Gryffindor asked.

"_Potter_! What the HELL are you doing in my bedroom?!?" Draco demanded to know, unable to look very threatening in his cashmere wool candy cane pajamas.

"I'm your Christmas present!" Harry happily announced, brushing a stray bit of ribbon off his shoulder from when he had jumped out of the wrapped box. "See, I even come with instructions."

Crawling forward to snatch the parchment from his lover's outstretched hand, Draco proceeded to read:

"_Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of the infamous Harry Potter, the one of a kind man who has captured the hearts of many. Hold him, kiss him, ravish him, dominate him, do whatever you please, but never, **never**, leave him alone if you choose to take a holiday-_" Draco crumpled the paper into a ball. "You need to leave."

"What? Why? I can't leave! Do you have any idea how much trouble I went through in the first place to get here!"

"If my father finds out you're here-"

"I shipped myself in this box!"

"Hell, if my _mother_ finds out you're here-!"

"It took _six_ albatrosses to get me here!"

"You'll be dead! In more ways than one!!"

"SIX! That wasn't exactly cheap, you know!"

A knock sounded at the door. "Draco, darling? Are you awake?"

"_Shit!_ Er…yes, Mother!" Draco said, scrambling up and grabbing Harry by the wrist, dragging him over the balcony window and pulling it open. "I'll be down in just a moment!"

With that, the infamous, one of a kind Harry Potter found himself being unceremoniously tossed out of a third story window, only to land in a mass of gardenia bushes down below.

Apparently, mixing Operation F.U.C.K.M.E.F.A.I.T.H. with Christmas wasn't such a good idea. Maybe he should have taken the blonde's hint and stuck with getting him those grovaire stones instead…


	7. Chapter 7

**Title**: Say It Ain't So!  
**Author**: Reyn  
**Rating**: M cuz I said so.  
**Disclaimer**: Jest cause I play with them doesn't mean I own them.  
**Warnings**: attack on the magical creature fandom and the extreme OOCness of the world  
**Author's Note**: Thank you, Minny from AFF for giving me this idear. Any other popular cliché idears are always appreciated and taken into account…and maybe eventually used…(coughs) no promises, though.

**Chapter 7 **

"I'm a magical creature!"

Draco blinked and paused in his steps, turning to see (surprise surprise) Harry Potter bursting through the Great Hall's doors, chasing after him as he left lunch.

"…What?"

"I'm a magical creature," Harry repeated determinedly, "and if you leave me, I'll DIE!"

"Nonsense, Potter," Draco scoffed, continuing on his way to the Dungeons. "You won't die no matter how many times the most evil wizard in the world tries to kill you."

"What? No! My species mate for life! I'll die of a broken heart!" Harry insisted, following his boyfriend down the steps.

"Is that so? And just exactly what species is that?"

"I-er…I-I'm…" green eyes darted around as he did some quick thinking. "A werewolf! Wolves mate for life! Didn't you know?"

"Really? A werewolf?"

"Yes."

"That's odd. Because I distinctly remember you being human on Valentine's Day during our candlelight picnic under the light of a _full moon_."

"Oh. Damn, did I say werewolf? I meant…er…A vampire!"

Draco stopped, coincidentally right by the last window in the hallway with Harry standing beside him. Lo and behold, the sunlight of a cloudless day was streaming in, washing over their forms.

"Eheh…I meant…uh…the one…with wings! The…uh…A veela! I'm part veela!"

"Potter, do me a favor and stop following me."

"It's true, I tell you!"

"Veela do not mate for life," Draco informed.

"They don't?"

"No. What's the point of their allure if they did?"

"Well, I'm allure…less."

"Don't make me hide out in Snape's classroom."

"I am! I'm a different kind of veela! With no allure! And darker features!"

Draco turned the corner to the Potions corridor. "I'll see you at dinner, Potter."

"I'm a dark veela! With a bit of werewolf and vampire mixed in! That's why I like biting!"

The Slytherin entered the class without knocking, leaving his lover alone in the hallway.

"I'm pregnant?" Harry tried, not daring to follow in fear of Snape's wrath.

Damn it. He really needed to think these plans through for Operation F.U.C.K.M.E.F.A.I.T.H. so he could be ready for the unexpected knowledgeable questions Malfoy asked.


	8. Chapter 8

**Title**: Say It Ain't So!  
**Author**: Reyn  
**Rating**: M cuz I said so.  
**Disclaimer**: Jest cause I play with them doesn't mean I own them.  
**Warnings**: attack on the time traveling children fandom and the extreme OOCness of the world  
**Author's Note**: I have no idea how large this cliché in the fandom is…and I don't own the store Fuzziwigg's, which you can visit in a loverly little town called Strawberry Springs, Colorado.

**Chapter 8**

Draco blinked. Twice, to make sure he wasn't seeing things. And then he pinched himself on the arm. Hard.

Damn. The scene was still before him and the pain he now felt assured him he wasn't dreaming.

"You'd…like to introduce me to _whom_?" he asked, deciding that surely he hadn't heard right.

"Our son! From the future!" Harry stated proudly, throwing an arm around the boy beside him who looked slightly uncomfortable at this whole setup.

"…"

"I was down at Fuzziwigg's buying candy before getting ready to sneak off to meet you like always, and he just appeared in front of me! It's a sign, I tell you!"

"Potter, you can't go grabbing every strange child you bump into who has blond hair and green eyes and declare them your child," Draco scolded, sorely wishing he hadn't bumped into his lover in the middle of the crowded Hogsmeade street.

"Our child. _Ours_," Harry clarified. "And he isn't just some completely random stranger! Look! He has your chin!"

With a defeated sigh, Draco began rummaging through his robes.

"I know it may come as quite a shock," the Gryffindor stated confidentially. "Even I didn't believe him at first when he told me. But then he revealed that the future you had sent him back in time to stop yourself from going on some asinine trip over the summer…"

"Here," the Slytherin said, handing the small boy a large pouch of money. "I'm giving you 20 galleons to forget everything this dunderhead has said to you up until now. That includes you going away and not mentioning this to anyone. Ever."

Large green eyes positively glowed as the child happily accepted the pay off and ran back to the candy store, ignoring the darker male's protests.

"Hey! You can't just-!"

"Are we going for a snog or what?" Draco asked, abruptly turning away and heading towards the outskirts of the village.

…Okay, so the Malfoy won this round of F.U.C.K.M.E.F.A.I.T.H. But next time, Harry would be sure to wait until after his libido had been satisfied before trying out a new plan.


End file.
